If I were totally transparent I would say that I have 5 children. Two went from my womb straight to Heaven. Saying it like that often makes people uncomfortable, so it’s easier to just say that I have 3 kids. I’ve heard people talk in hushed tones, “She had a miscarriage” and I understand that they might want to avoid causing pain, but miscarriage is not a bad word.
“Babies do just die. Over half of all miscarriages are caused by chromosomal factors that are completely out of our hands. Not preventable. Nothing we can do. The majority of the others are also unrelated to anything we personally did, but some infection that got us, a poorly formed placenta or umbilical cord, a hormone problem, or health condition we didn’t know about. Don’t let anyone, not even your partner or your mother (or yes, the mother-in-law) tell you this was your fault. It absolutely, positively was not.” from Pregnancy Loss Info
We don’t have to feel guilty about it. We don’t have to hide it. We are not alone.
“Did you know that a whopping 50 – 75% of pregnancies result in miscarriage within the first two weeks of implantation?” from Buzzle.com
It’s okay to grieve after a miscarriage.
Maybe I was the only one to feel this way – like I should just buck up and carry on as if nothing happened. In reality I had lost my child; and my life was in emotional upheaval.
It is normal after one miscarriage to wait longer to announce the next pregnancy. The problem comes when the next pregnancy ends in miscarriage and no one really knew about the pregnancy so it’s even more awkward to tell about the miscarriage.
There’s also the problem when the miscarriage is after the mother has already had healthy children and she is torn between grieving one and being grateful for others.
Sometimes we feel that there are so many worse things we could have gone through. Cheryl at Somewhat Crunchy did a wonderful job of writing out some of the feelings of being a Mother of Miscarriage. Here’s one quote from her post and I encourage you to go read the rest.
“Don’t let anyone tell you you aren’t a mother. You are. You’ve held life, no matter how short a time.”
My best advice to anyone that has had a miscarriage is to take time to grieve. And don’t be afraid to talk about it – especially with your husband who now has a child in Heaven too. As far as talking to others – that will depend on your situation and feelings. I think that other mothers of miscarriage are the best ones to talk to, but we have to be open enough so other mothers know we are willing to talk.
Now I enjoy thinking of my two children in Heaven; at the time not so much. I know they are safe, healthy, and I didn’t have to change any of their diapers.