Wit & Wisdom from my Journey through Womanhood
Last week as I was driving the kids home from Grandma’s my almost seven year old was reading every sign we passed – and I do mean every sign.
Then I heard, “Do…not…pass. Mommy! Mommy! You’re going to pass it!”
I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings by laughing out loud.
More funny email to share. Well, it might depend on your definition of funny.
You say you don’t know what a lexiogram is?
These will clear that up.
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. A properly written will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
11. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
12. A lot of money is tainted. “Taint yours and taint mine.”
13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
14. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
16. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
As I was sitting and rubbing lotion on my legs my 2 yo daughter came to talk to me.
She got a puzzled look on her face and asked, “Why you puttin’ butter on your legs?”
Evidently she only saw the yellow Vaseline lotion in my hand and on my legs.
On Sunday my children got orange Tic-Tacs for saying their Bible verse.
They think those rattling boxes are da bomb, way cool, awesome, etc. Definitely better than sliced bread. They are downright fascinated. I never realized that I had so isolated them from this important cultural candy.
Before we were even out the church doors they asked me if they could have one. One Tic-Tac? Sure.
Every 3 minutes after that, except for the blessed Sunday nap time, they were asking if they could eat another one!
As soon as my 3 yo daughter got up from her nap she wanted to know if she could eat her Kit-Kats. I was confused – we don’t have those in the house right now.
“It’s Kit-Tacs,” my 5yo replies.
“Oh! Your Tic-Tacs.”
“Mrs. Teacher said Kit-Tacs,” insisted the 3 yo.
“I don’t think so.”
[This is the same girl who kept asking to eat an air mattress all week. I split the last Airhead 3 ways on Friday.]
“Look at this Mommy!” My 5 yo proudly showed me how he can open the box using only one hand. Oh, we are a talented lot here.
They both hand the candies to their 2yo sister like they’re giving carrots to a horse. “Can I give her one?” “Can I give her one of mine, too?” She doesn’t care; just shoves them in and puts her hand back out.
While I was brushing my teeth my daughter showed me a white pill-like object in her palm. My heart beat rapidly until she said, “Look, they turn white!” Then she popped the half eaten Tic-Tac back in her mouth.
So, thank you Mrs. Junior Church Teacher. [That's said sarcastically in case you didn't catch it.] You know who you are!
My 5yo son pointed to an envelope with JENDI on it and said, “What’s that say, Mommy?”
“That’s my name.”
He quickly replied, “No. They spelled it wrong. It starts M-O-M…”
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